


Don't Leave Me This Way

by camichats



Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [46]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, Getting Back Together, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 11:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14043264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: Sirius is terminal, and no relationship is perfect. If you love someone, you have to let them know. James loves him, but forgets to tell him as much as he should.





	Don't Leave Me This Way

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning, this is a sort of bittersweet ending? Like they end up together, but Sirius is still sick, that hasn't changed. Also if you're reading and you're like "Huh this illness of Sirius's seems vague as fuck", that would be because I didn't feel like doing any research, and as such didn't want to give it a name and specific symptoms that I wasn't prepared to actually deal with. 
> 
> For the prompt: “Hi! If you're ok dealing with illnesses and such, could I have a story in which Sirius has a fatal illness so he leaves James (who may or may not be already is boyfriend) without a word, and James is depressed and angry, but in the end they have a happy reunion (as happy as possible). You choose whether this is a character death fic or not... Thank you!”
> 
> Originally posted on [tumblr](https://imaginejamesandsirius.tumblr.com/post/172089233940/hi-if-youre-ok-dealing-with-illnesses-and-such)

James woke to a cold bed. It was hardly the first time, and it was becoming a more regular occurrence with every week.

Sirius had taken to waking up in pain and not being able to do anything about it. He was allowed three pills, one with each meal, but the one from dinner never lasted long enough. The others didn’t last long enough either, but he was already awake with them. He woke up in the wee hours of the morning-- so early it could be considered last night-- and almost never made it back to sleep. He used to toss and turn for a while before giving up, but recently he’d started leaving as soon as he woke. He snagged a nap or two during the day, but James still worried that he wasn’t getting enough rest. If he woke early enough in the night, sometimes he’d make it back to bed to catch a few hours with James.

James sighed, not feeling any remnants from his night of sleep. He woke and just felt tired. He checked the clock and turned off the alarm before it had a chance to beep. It was an hour before he needed to be up, but he couldn’t go to sleep to an empty bed any more than Sirius could sleep through the night now.

He rubbed at his eyes and pulled his glasses on. Swung his legs off the bed and levered himself up. “Sirius?” he called once he was out of their room. He didn’t hear a reply, but that didn’t mean much. Sirius couldn’t talk very loud these days. He’d gotten upset one day a month ago and yelled, then couldn’t so much as whisper for the next three days. He hadn’t tried to yell or raise his voice since.

He found Sirius sat in the recliner, watching the telly. “Good morning.” He walked over and pat Sirius’s shoulder since a hug would definitely involve some form of contortion. Sirius didn’t react or otherwise respond. “You hungry?” He shook his head. “When was the last time you ate something?” He kept staring at the screen. “Okay. I need to go to the store tonight, so I’m afraid it’s just cereal and toast for us this morning.”

“I can’t do this,” Sirius whispered, eyes not moving.

“Tell you what, I’ll make your fancy arse some crepes tomorrow morning.” _Like when we first got married,_ he thought, but didn’t say.

“...Okay,” Sirius said, but he still didn’t glance at James. He didn’t seem very enthusiastic, and James tried not to take it personally; Sirius didn’t get excited about much of anything now, even his favourite breakfast food. The last time he’d seen him anywhere approaching excitement was when the doctor upped the strength of his pain meds two months ago. And before that? He couldn’t venture a guess.

There was a table beside Sirius’s chair, and James set butter and jam on it before making the toast and putting the cereal together.

“So- er I’m gonna be working kind of late tonight,” James said once they started eating. “Shouldn’t be later than nine, I just need to catch up on some things.” When Sirius didn’t say anything, James asked, “You got any plans?”

“Yeah I’m gonna climb Everest,” Sirius said flatly.

James swallowed his food, and if it was a little thicker going down- well, that was probably the jam. “You could hang out with Pete.”

“I saw him yesterday,” he lied.

“Well you could always--”

“I’m well aware of what my three options are,” Sirius snapped.

“...Right. Sorry.” They finished eating with only the noise from the telly keeping them company. James put everything away and told Sirius he was taking a shower. Sirius didn’t respond, and James added that to the list of things that were different. The past month had been particularly hard on Sirius, and James didn’t know what he could do to help, or even if there was anything he could do.

He got dressed and ignored how stuffy it felt. His briefcase was by the door, ready and waiting, so James pat Sirius’s shoulder again before leaving. “Love you. Remember, if you need anything, just text me.”

Sirius looked at the door when it closed, waiting for the lock to click as proof that James wasn’t coming back in. He picked up his phone and texted Remus and Peter.

_Hey guys. Can you come over and help me with something?_

Slowly, he got out of his recliner. It was a mixture of pushing and pulling and scooting to get up, and he hated that he couldn’t get out of the chair like a goddamn normal person. He grabbed his oxygen tank as he stood, pulling it along with him as he walked to the room they had shared.

He was lucky James was unobservant. The poor man hadn’t noticed the dozens of boxes Sirius had bought last week. He probably didn’t suspect, not even a hint. Sirius started pulling them out a few at a time and hated that he was too tired to cry. James deserved at least a few tears from him, and he couldn’t even give him that.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he checked it. Remus and Peter were on the way. Carefully, he lowered himself to his knees and felt around for the tape gun. It didn’t take very long-- and certainly wasn’t strenuous-- but the angle he was bent at had him breathing shallowly by the time he straightened.

He put a box together and started piling his clothes in. He didn’t get very far when there was a knock on the door, and he headed over to let them in.

“Hey mate,” Remus said with a tentative smile as they walked in. “What’s up?”

“Will you help me pack?”

“Sure,” Peter said. “Getting rid of some old stuff?”

“Erm. No.”

“Oh are you and James moving?” Remus asked, sharing a look with Peter. “We had tea earlier this week, and neither of you said anything.”

“ _I_ am moving. He’s not.”

They froze. “You broke up?” Peter asked quietly.

Sirius didn’t say anything. The less he had to lie, the better. “It’s mostly just the medical shite I need help with.”

“Sirius…” Remus started, “I’m not sure we should be doing this without James. There’s no way he just left you to do all this yourself.”

“I’m not by myself,” Sirius argued.

“Sirius--”

“You can interrupt him at work and get him in worse trouble with his boss, or you can shut it and help me. Or I guess you can leave. Just- just shut it.”

“...Okay.”

James came home to an empty house and he didn’t even know it. He didn’t notice that Sirius’s boots weren’t by the door or that his coat wasn’t on the hook. His arms were full of groceries, and he set them down on the table before going to get the rest. Back when Sirius could still raise his voice, he used to shout little ‘Welcome home!’-s at James-- or at least he did for a little bit. There was nothing like that now, not that he expected there to be. “Sirius? Did you already eat? I grabbed some takeaway,” he called out, and didn’t get any response. Sirius had been all-but ignoring him all week, but James didn’t even hear the telltale roll of his oxygen tank or the shuffle of his feet to come eat. He put away the rest of the perishables before going to look for him to force some food down his throat. Loss of appetite or no, Sirius needed to eat.

He didn’t hear the telly going, but he checked the living room anyway. Maybe he’d gotten to sleep a little early tonight. He paused. Frowned. Sirius’s pillow was gone, but he never took it outside the house and James hadn’t seen it anywhere else. He stuck his head out into the hallway just to make sure the loo was empty (it was).

His heart froze when he turned back to see the note that had been placed on the foot of the bed.

**_Sorry_ **

In a sudden burst of motion, James checked the dresser, the closet, the bathroom, and the living room, getting more tense with each empty space he saw. No clothes, no shoes, no meds, and no medical equipment.

He paced from place to place, looking at the exact same spots with desperation, wanting to will Sirius’s belongings back into existence. His third time around, he snatched a photo from the mantelpiece and clutched it to his heart, fingers white with how hard he was gripping it. It was a photograph from their wedding, back before Sirius had gotten sick, and back when Sirius felt more towards him than annoyed tolerance. Tolerance that apparently wasn’t there any longer. He left.

James collapsed to the floor with a sob, pressing the frame to himself with such force it was leaving indentations in his skin.

* * *

James’s boss was happy that he was showing up to work consistently again, and he was no longer in danger of being fired. That was good. He didn’t _feel_ good.

He couldn’t bring himself to call Sirius. It wouldn’t help; he wouldn’t answer. He had called Remus and Peter though. They told him what happened as far as they knew. They stayed and had a few drinks with him while he cried. He told them that he wasn’t going to press them for information about Sirius, so they could continue to be both of their friends, if they wanted. He was sure they heard the plea in his voice that they not leave Sirius all alone.

The last time they’d been to the doctor, he’d told Sirius, “Anywhere from four months to two years. I’m sorry I can’t be more specific than that.” Sirius could be dead in three months, and he’d have to be told by their other friends. Sirius could be on his deathbed, and James wouldn’t have the chance to say goodbye.

After a week, he had texted Sirius.

_Do you want a divorce?_

Sirius had texted back, but his response did nothing to comfort James.

_Too much hassle. Just wait it out._

The phrase ‘four months to two years’ bounced around in his head. Before he could lose his nerve, James called him. The line rang for so long he knew Sirius was deciding whether or not to answer it. When the noise cut, he thought it was over, that that was it.

But Sirius said, “What.”

James closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. “Why’d you leave?” he asked, his voice small enough to fit a mouse.

Sirius listed off an address.

“What?”

“That’s where I’m living. If we’re going to talk?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it should be in person. Just. Come over.” He paused, then added, as if he could feel James’s hesitation, “Please?”

James sighed, and he knew it could be heard through the phone. He was going to agree, they both knew it, and he was hopeful about the conversation even though he wanted not to be. “Yeah okay. Where are you?”

Sirius repeated his address and James said it back to confirm.

“I’ll be there soon.”

It didn’t take him long to arrive, and he probably spent more time waiting in the car and staring at the flat’s door than traveling. When he finally knocked, the door opened almost immediately, meaning that Sirius had been standing, waiting for him. Before he could feel guilty about that, he noticed that Sirius looked to be in the same shape as the last time James had seen him. Not stellar, but still as healthy as he could be.

They stared at each other for a moment. Sirius fiddled with the tube going over his ear and stepped back. “Come on in.”

James shut the door behind him, looking around the small space feeling like someone was squeezing his chest. It was a studio, the only piece of furniture a futon that had Sirius’s pillow on it despite the fact that it was currently set up as a couch. His clothes were still in boxes, and he had the books he’d taken in a stack against the wall. His tablet was charging atop the stack, propped against the wall paused on a movie. Medical equipment took up the most space, even with it collapsed and condensed as much as it could be. He hadn’t bothered to put his array of medicine in the bathroom, instead leaving it out on the counter-- probably so he wouldn’t have to get up every few hours. It was obvious that Sirius wasn’t bothering to settle in, but James didn’t hold his breath that it was because Sirius was planning on coming back.

Sirius didn't start, not that James expected him to. Hoped, yes. Expected, no.

“You took off your ring,” was the first thing out of James’s mouth.

Sirius looked at his hand, rubbing at the pale band of skin. “Yeah. It didn’t… it didn’t feel right. To keep wearing it after I left, I mean.”

“I…” James trailed off, not knowing what he could say. James sighed and looked down at his own hand, ring still firmly in place. “Can’t say I feel the same.”

“You don’t know what I feel,” Sirius said, and for once there was no bite to it.

They sat in silence for a little bit, only the sounds of their breathing-- one more laboured than the other-- to fill the room. “Why’d you leave?”

“You were miserable, James. I was making you miserable. And I… I hated myself for it. Any time you were happy, I would just tear you down so you felt as shitty as I did.”

James didn’t disagree. He had never blamed Sirius for it though. He couldn’t imagine what it felt like, to be perfectly healthy one day, and the next not be able to breathe on your own. “I didn’t care. I _don’t_ care.”

Sirius let out a wet laugh, and it was only then that James glanced over and saw that he was crying. His first thought was, _Crying makes it harder for him to breathe_. The thought jolted him. He’d been so focused on Sirius’s sickness that he had ignored _Sirius_. “I’m sorry,” he rushed out.

Sirius rubbed at his nose with his sleeve ineffectually. “For what?” he asked, and it didn’t sound like he had a list in mind.

“For not treating you like my husband.” Because that’s what it came down to: James had been acting as some sort of live-in nurse that was trying to be his friend. Sirius paused for the barest of moments, but it was enough for James to know that he was right. When was the last time James had kissed him? He told him that he loved him, sometimes. Not every day, and sure as hell not as often as he thought it. “Is that why you left?”

“It’s not- not the only reason. We weren’t communicating, and it just made everything worse.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t do that anymore. I _can’t_.”

“We’re communicating now,” James said. “We just have to try, and we can do this. I want to make this work, Sirius. I want this to work so much, I can’t imagine losing you before I have to because we didn’t feel like talking once a week.”

“It’s not that simple,” Sirius said, but he wasn’t as firm as he had been in the beginning.

“I love you. More than anything else, Sirius, I love you. Do you love me?”

“James--” Sirius started to protest, but James asked him again.

“Do you love me?”

Sirius looked at him, eyes red rimmed and nose sniffling. “Yes. But this isn’t- it’s not going to be easy.”

“Does that mean you’re coming back home?” James asked hopefully. “I know it won’t be easy, I know we have a lot to work on, I know.” Tentatively, he took one of Sirius’s hands in both of his own. “We can do this. Please, Si, please.”

The moment before Sirius answered seemed to stretch for eternity, and James nearly collapsed in joy when he did. “Okay.” Surprisingly-- at least to James-- Sirius leaned forward and pressed wet, desperate kisses to his lips. He leaned back to grab his ring from his trouser pocket and put it on, leaning back in immediately after he was done and throwing his arms around James’s waist. “I missed you so much.”

James was kissing back just as desperately. “Me too. I missed you so much. Love you so much.”

They didn’t leave right away, holding each other for as long as it took to convince themselves that things were getting better.

It took a while.

“I never made you crepes.”

“Rude.” Sirius kissed his jaw. “You’ll have to make it up to me.”

“Aw c’mon you ran away.”

“That’s not my problem.”

James chuckled, hiding his face in Sirius’s hair. “I love you,” he said again, because he couldn’t hold it in and expect everything to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt driven blog @[imaginejamesandsirius](https://imaginejamesandsirius.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Feel free to send in a prompt of your own!


End file.
